In the presence of non-drinkers, I never thought about drinking.
Jack London
Quitting drinking is difficult, but possible. Only a truly loving loved one can help in such a situation. Those who try to help an alcoholic to stop drinking, to save him in order to solve some of their problems (for example, housing), will not achieve anything. Love alone is also not enough to help get rid of the hardest addiction, you still need to know what to do. Since it happens that the strongest and noblest human feeling in a given situation makes relatives, saving an alcoholic, create the wrong stereotype of relations with him. As a result, they only contribute to the development of alcoholism, and they themselves become codependent.
The traditional role played by the relatives of alcoholics, most often the wife, is the role of "nanny". In the classic version, the "nanny" does everything possible and impossible to keep the family afloat, and those around them do not know about the presence of an alcohol problem. She provides for the family, maintains order in the house, brings up children, and this upbringing also has its own characteristics: children from an early age learn not to take out "dirty linen in public". The relationship with the drinking "half" of the "nanny" depends on the state in which this "half" is. During a binge "nanny" looks after an alcoholic: finds him in the places where he drinks, and brings him home; calls to work and says that he is ill; tries to neutralize his aggression, often enduring beatings and insults; feeds and washes him.
During a sober period, the "nanny" can continue to patronize and please the alcoholic, hoping in this way to keep him from drinking, or, on the contrary, as if acting out, load him with various deeds and duties. In both cases, after some time, another binge develops and everything starts all over again. Such a cyclical algorithm of relations can exist for an arbitrarily long time. Not only does the "nanny" by her actions only aggravate the development of alcoholism, - in the end, she herself can no longer live differently. That is why so often the wives of alcoholics, when they remarry, again choose drunkards or drug addicts as their companions.
The general rule for all relatives, regardless of who is sick with them - husband, wife, father, mother, son, daughter - is not to do anything that contributes to the development of addiction. This means the following:
The drinking person must solve his problems himself.
Well, since he creates them for himself, let him decide. Otherwise, he will not have a barrier to the next drunkenness, since he will hope for your help. Sometimes it comes to the point of absurdity: the husband has spent on drink the entire "family pot", there is nothing in the house, and the wife runs around her acquaintances, borrows money to pay her husband's debts, which he made during the binge.
Trying to save, you do not need to call an alcoholic at work and say that he is seriously and suddenly ill. First, it is not good to cheat - do not set a bad example for children; secondly, after two or three such calls, no one will simply believe you and they will at least quietly laugh at you; and thirdly - today you will save him from a simple thrashing, which, perhaps, would have stopped him, and tomorrow he will drink even harder and, in the end, will lose his job.
It is completely unacceptable, from our point of view, the situation when compassionate relatives buy alcohol themselves in order to make an alcoholic drunk. With the same success, you can offer a loved one drugs or some other poison.
the treatment is not always pleasant and painless.
If, for example, a person has an abscess somewhere on his body, then you can hide it under clothes, pour deodorants so that there is no smell, create greenhouse conditions for a person so that he moves less and does not experience pain. As a result, all this will lead to the development of sepsis and death. If, despite the pain, open the abscess, "pierce" a course of antibiotics, although this is also quite painful, then there is a high probability that the person will recover.
You need to keep your promises, and if you can't keep them, then it's better not to give.
Alcoholics, quitters and drug addicts are very sensitive to where it is possible to achieve something, and where there will be a categorical refusal. In this respect, they are like children, and one should often communicate with them as with children: where necessary - praise, and where necessary - punish. But not a single, even the most insignificant episode associated with the use of alcohol should be left without your attention, and, of course, it is necessary that the degree of "punishment" correspond to the degree of "offense". And do not be confused by the solid age and representative appearance of the "guilty". Sound carrot and stick policies often work well across a wide range of ages and social backgrounds.
So, for example, if a wife promises her husband that in the event of another binge she will divorce him, and he comes literally "on his eyebrows" that evening, then at least the next day she should write a declaration of divorce and ask her husband to signthat he agrees. The application submitted to the registry office can always be taken away, but practice shows: such decisive actions make the husband think about his problems much faster than numerous reproaches and unfulfilled promises.
Your attitude towards alcohol should be consistently negative.
Any consumption of alcohol, even the most minimal, even the smell of fumes, should not remain without your negative assessment. This does not mean that you have to make scandals with dishwashing every time. This is just not necessary to do in any case - such "showdowns" will only lead to the fact that an alcoholic with a clear conscience will "relieve stress" and will be happy to tell sympathetic drinking companions what a bitch his wife is and what he drinks exclusivelybecause of her. Such situations should be calmly discussed, naturally - on a sober head, their reasons should be analyzed and real conclusions should be drawn. It should look something like this:
- Expensive! Yesterday at a party you drank again, despite your promise not to do so. It was very unpleasant for me, because at the end of the evening you looked completely indecent, and it was just scary to come back from you, you behaved so aggressively.
- You see, yesterday I was in a very bad mood because of troubles at work, and I decided to drink a little, so as not to spoil the mood of others with my appearance. And next to me was the hostess's husband, who kept pouring for me all the time, so I didn't have time to eat. And the vodka was probably of poor quality - I still have a headache. This is probably why I went overboard.
- It seemed to me that if a man gives his word, then he should keep it! And it turns out that it is easier for you to break the given promise than to say "no" when they pour you vodka!
- Understand. . .
- No, I don’t understand! Let's not kid ourselves! Over the past year, more and more often we have to talk about this - I think it's time to consult with specialists.
- You need - you and be treated.
- Firstly, we both need it, and secondly, no one is going to treat you, we will just talk with a psychotherapist about how to behave in some situations related to drinking.
Sometimes such a conversation is enough for a person with alcohol problems to agree to come to us, but more often he resists in every possible way, referring to the lack of free time, the uselessness of this visit and many other "valid" reasons. You must be adamant and with each new episode of alcohol, more and more resolutely insist on your own. Moreover, if conversations are ineffective, do not hesitate to use other methods of pressure, which your intuition and knowledge of the character of your loved one should prompt you. By the way, do not forget to periodically remind that in developed countries any more or less self-respecting person has his own psychologist, with whom he periodically meets. And not to have it is as embarrassing as, for example, to ride a hunchbacked "Zaporozhets".
All conversations with an alcoholic should have a specific logical ending.
Any of your conversation, any dispute about an existing alcohol problem should end with some kind of constructive decision. In no case should you stop half-way and allow the alcoholic "I" of your patient to once again deceive everyone and force them to postpone real anti-alcohol actions for an indefinite period. Since usually such conversations end with the alcoholic's promise to quit drinking, and everyone formally calms down. It is clear that after a while everything repeats itself all over again, and so on - ad infinitum. So, if your drinking relative tells you that he understood everything, realized, deeply regrets and will not be like this anymore, take his word from him that if he still drinks at least once (no matter how much), you will go togetherto a psychologist.
When saving from drunkenness, do not drink in the presence of an alcoholic.
The smartest thing that the patient's relatives can do is also not to drink or keep alcoholic beverages at home. Alcohol in such a house can only be in one form - as part of external disinfectants (iodine, brilliant green, and the like). And although many of our patients, who have not been drinking for many years, feel completely calm in drinking companies and are indifferent to alcohol, it is better to play it safe. The fewer provoking factors, the calmer. This is first, and secondly, remember the following:
The situation is not very promising when one alcoholic, who categorically does not consider himself as such, educates and tries to help another alcoholic more "successful" in creating (along with the Green Serpent) everyday and social problems. It is clear that appeals for a sober life sound unconvincing if they breathe fumes on you, and the difference between a sick person and a similar "healthy" person is that the latter has not yet lost his job and his wife has not yet left him.
Do not hide the fact that your loved one has a problem with alcohol.
This is not about an urgent need to tell everyone about your husband's drunken antics. No, but you must not deceive anyone, mislead anyone, pretending that you do not know anything. In no case should you deceive children, let alone force them to tell a lie. As a rule, they know and understand everything perfectly.
If you are sure that involving people with an influence on the alcoholic in the solution of the problem: parents, adult children, friends, bosses, colleagues, will help to promote the cause - do not hesitate to tell them everything and ask for help.
The conversation with the alcoholic must be substantive.
It is not enough to say that he drinks a lot and often. For him, this is an empty phrase. You need to prepare in advance for a conversation with an alcoholic, especially if you are going to involve someone else in this. To do this, it will be useful to record the frequency of alcohol episodes, the degree of intoxication and behavior in this state. Simply put, you need to keep a diary and preferably - with illustrations. That is, if it is possible to film drunken flights on video, this must be done, and you will discuss the moral and moral aspects of such actions when you save your loved one about the consequences of a serious and incurable illness.
The alcoholic needs to be given objective information about his illness.
A drinking person unconsciously perceives any information one-sidedly: he hears and sees only what he wants, and what he does not want - he ignores it, not paying any attention to it. Naturally, only that information is allowed into consciousness that does not harm friendship with the Green Serpent. The role of the censor is played by that very alcoholic "I", the inner voice that sounds inside every alcoholic and in every possible way justifies, disguises, adapts everything related to drinking to the norm.
In this regard, in order for all negative information about the disease and its consequences to reach the addressee, it is necessary to approach the solution of the problem creatively. You won't get anywhere if you paste over all the walls with newspaper clippings and anti-alcohol posters. But if you, as if by chance, tell that one of your mutual acquaintances, who, by the way, was several years younger than you, is already in the next world, and his next binge is to blame for this, an alcoholic may become thoughtful.
One of our patients "woke up" (according to him) after he barely recognized his school friend in one of the homeless people poking around in the garbage.
Be sure to let the alcoholic read our book, it is specially written so that it would be interesting for everyone to read it.
Help the sober "I" of the alcoholic.
Do not wait for the alcoholic to start changing his life stereotype, but actively (but not intrusively) help him in this. Take him to the cinema, theaters, sports grounds, take him out of town, introduce him to interesting people. For the alcoholic himself (if, of course, he is still socially adapted), this is often very difficult to do, since he is in constant time trouble - the lion's share of his time is taken by the Green Serpent. And he has already lost the habit of such events, he does not know from which side to approach them.